Finding the Rainbows

20 years ago, I couldn’t believe it’s been that long. I followed a dream of mine. A stay-at-home mom of  three at that time, and a deep desire to encourage and inspire others after experiencing the death of losing one of my best friends on my 18th birthday.

On our high school graduation day, I had the opportunity to give a talk on the importance of organ donation. It was then that I realized my gift was in the art of speaking. People think speaking is talking, but it’s not. It’s about actively listening to the audience and the world around you, interrupting the story inside someone’s head, and connecting with them in a deeper, meaningful way, awakening something inside them and reminding them they are not alone.  It’s never about you, the speaker.

In high school, I read a book and connected with its author, a speaker I dreamed of meeting. Even after high school and college, and even as I started a family, this dream persisted. I could no longer ignore it, so I took a chance and was personally mentored by this well-known speaker. He brought me along on stages across the US and Great Britain, on the radio, and during a PBS special.  It was a dream come true.

After two years, I didn’t like what I witnessed within the speaking industry, and I didn’t like who I was becoming. I’ve always said I am the same person on and off stage. I refuse to be fake, including here on social media. I walked away, choosing instead to focus on my family, which then led me into the cult of white evangelicalism, but that’s a story for another time!

That dream of storytelling and using my voice to connect with others still lives within me. As I was helping Mark deliver ice cream last night, I took a moment to peek inside Spectrum Stadium and took a deep breath. I still hope to write a book and maybe one day fill a stadium like this—not for money or fame, but to remind myself and my kids to stay true to themselves, never sacrificing who they are or what matters to them.

But even if that never happens, I am grateful for my life right now. If the closest I get to a stadium is serving ice cream at games and concerts with my family, that is enough. I might never speak to a sold-out stadium, but sharing meals, sitting on my back porch, watching movies, playing cards, softball games, planning a wedding, texting and chatting with family and friends, holding my husband’s aging hands, and attending appointments with one of my kids means more to me than anything else in this world.

Everything this toxic world tries to make us believe is not enough is more than enough for me.

This is the hardest time of my life as I write this. My heart breaks into a million pieces every single day. I go through all the stages of grief sometimes within a single hour, and yet I am beyond grateful for this moment I have today.

I have to remind myself that when my mind begins to create stories that may or may not happen, I still have today, and whatever life throws at us, we have love and each other. I’m able to hold both grief and joy at the same time.

It’s not about how many people know you or how much money you have in the bank. It’s about who you can laugh with, cry with, and share your life with. Who you feel safe enough around to just be you. It’s about knowing that tomorrow is never promised and our lives sometimes don’t turn out the way we planned. But we are still here.

Yes, we have to stay informed about what is going on in our world and speak out against racism, oppression, and greed, wanting equality for all people, because when one person suffers, we all suffer.   while at the same time protecting your peace and never letting corrupt powers or fear still your joy.

Keep dreaming and keep being grateful that we have today. Because even in the storms, we can find light, and I heard a Hawaiian healer refer to Jesus as the man who walks with rainbows, and I loved that. Because I believe still in the god who walks with rainbows and in our storms, Jesus is still bringing us rainbows; we just have to open our hearts and eyes to see.

Keep dreaming and keep being grateful that we have today. Because even in the storms, we can find light, and I heard a Hawaiian healer refer to Jesus as the man who walks with rainbows, and I loved that. Because I believe still in the god who walks with rainbows and in our storms, Jesus is still bringing us rainbows; we just have to open our hearts and eyes to see.