Still a Mom, Just Different Now

This weekend, I found myself remembering.We were swimming in the pool and playing one of Mark’s games with the kids when a little boy joined us and I suddenly thought of the child Mark and I might have had if I hadn’t had that miscarriage.

It’s been nine years, but in that moment, it all came flooding back.

At the time, I think deep down I believed another baby would somehow fill that aching part of my heart. I was watching the kids grow up so fast and I didn’t want to let go of that sweet, all-consuming season of raising kiddos.

But there was more. There was the deep grief of realizing I might not be able to get pregnant again and that chapter of my life was coming to a close.

And when I lost the baby, I was devastated.

But now, with time and space and reflection, I understand something I couldn’t then.No baby could have filled that ache because every season comes to an end.

Back then, I was struggling to accept that the kids wouldn’t need me in the same ways. Being a mom has been the one thing I’ve truly loved. I couldn’t see myself as anything else.

Now, I wish I knew then what I know now because I would have done a few things differently. But life doesn’t work like that, does it?

Slowly, I’ve been learning to accept this new season. Some days I feel like I’m thriving, like I’m killing it. Other days, I feel so insecure. I catch myself reaching for the past, for the version of me that felt so sure in being a mom.

No one could have prepared me for what midlife would be like. I’m sure my mom and others tried to tell me, but it’s just not something you can truly understand until you walk through it yourself.

I’m not an empty nester just yet, but I can feel it coming quickly.

I’m learning to explore this new season. Some days alone, some days with just Mark, some days with Mark and the kids, some days with my mom, and some days with friends. Most days, I love this season and then there are the brutally hard days with everything that comes with it.

And when Mark said last minute, “Do you want to go to the mountains and tube?” I said yes.

Just the two of us.

And it was everything I needed.

In the quiet of the mountains, I realized again how lucky I am to have my best friend right beside me. He gets me. And sometimes, that’s all I need.

Even though I’d still say yes in a heartbeat if the kids wanted to hang out with me all the time every single day, the reality is they’re doing what they should be doing, figuring out their lives and living them without me.

And when letting go feels especially hard, I spend time with that 30-year-old version of me, the young mom who was just trying her best, and I remind her.

It’s okay. You did it.We did it.And now, we can let ourselves become something new.

Hang in there, moms.That all consuming season of raising kiddos may fade, but your love doesn’t.It never really gets easier, it just changes.But there is beauty in every season.

And remember, we’re never done being a mom.It just looks different.

As long as we keep healing, keep growing, and learning how to repair, they’ll always need us.And we’ll always be here.

And I’m so thankful we still have one teenager left to aggravate!

Who am I kidding?I’ll drive my kids nuts until the day I die! 😘

And trust me, you’re doing better than you realize.